Chrysalism
by Sweet Lunacy
Summary: Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like her to have. Jibbs. Sequel to Petrichor and Rubatosis. Rated for self-harm. Oneshot.


** A/N: This is a sequel to _Petrichor_ and _Rubatosis. _Please read those prior to reading this. Deals with mature themes. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

**_Chrysalism (n.): The amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm, listening to waves of rain against the roof._**

* * *

As he watched her walking back up the stairs to her office, coffee in hand, he couldn't help but smile. Her hair had finally started getting longer and she was looking better each day. She looked like _his _Jenny again. He waited an appropriate amount of time before following her and when he barged into her office minutes later, she spun around to glare at him.

"Really, Jethro? Don't you have anything better to do than annoy me?"

He smirked.

"Nope."

She took a drink from the cup in her hand and smiled. He thought he saw a slight tremor pass over her body, but he couldn't be sure. Maybe he had just imagined it.

"I'm sure that there's some paperwork of some kind for you to do," she said pointedly.

He shrugged, gesturing for her to sit down. She did, and he watched her for a moment before speaking.

"Your hair looks much better than it did a few months ago."

She sighed.

"You're never going to let that go, are you?"

"Not in a million years. Are you busy later tonight?"

"It's going to be a late night for me, Jethro. I have a lot to do here."

He nodded in understanding.

"Call me?"

She smiled.

"Of course."

He leaned across the desk and kissed her cheek lightly. Just before he opened the door, he turned, watching her work.

"Jen?"

She glanced up from the screen and met his eyes.

"Make sure you eat something."

Without waiting for an answer, he let himself out of her office and closed the door behind him. She stared at the place he had been standing for a second longer and then returned her attention back to her computer screen. Sometimes, she really wished she had thought more before taking this job...

* * *

Gibbs moved the sander back and forth on the wood of his latest boat, pausing only to take a drink from his beer. Jenny still hadn't called him, but it had only been a few hours since he'd left work. She'd been putting in so many late nights recently, and though he knew she was simply trying to do the best she could, he worried about her. She hid it well, but he knew that it was taking a huge toll on her.

Sighing, he picked up his phone and dialed her number, waiting impatiently for her to pick up. She never did, and he frowned. Usually, she at least answered when he called. Maybe she was out getting another cup of coffee. None of the reasons he could come up with were enough to stop him from calling again, though, and he knew he wouldn't stop until she finally answered.

* * *

The ringing of her phone startled her awake, and she jumped, momentarily disoriented. She picked it up quickly, hoping she hadn't slept too long.

"Shepard."

"Where were you?"

She frowned. What in the world was he talking about? It took a second before it finally registered who she was talking to and she put her head in her hand.

"Jethro?"

"Yeah. I called a few minutes ago. Where were you?"

She ran her free hand through her hair and sighed.

"I...fell asleep," she admitted, embarrassed.

"Jen...go home. You're exhausted. You need to get some sleep."

She was silent for a moment, trying in vain to ease the pain from falling asleep at her desk. Gibbs was still speaking to her on the line, but she hadn't heard a word he'd said.

"What did you say? I kind of spaced out for a second."

"I said you work too much. You're killing yourself every night and I'm worried about you. The agency won't fall apart in the few hours that you're away from the office."

She sighed again and he waited for her to continue.

"Alright. I'll leave things for tonight. Maybe you're right."

He smiled, though she couldn't see it, and she took a drink from her coffee cup.

"Thank you. And Jen?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful on your way home."

She smiled, touched that he cared enough to remind her.

"I will. Love you."

"Love you, too. Good night, Jen."

She hung up after saying good night, and drained the last of the liquid from her coffee cup. She knew that Jethro would kill her if he knew what was actually in the paper cup, but she couldn't stop herself. She needed the steadiness that the liquor gave her, needed the way it lowered her inhibitions so that she had the confidence to say what she was thinking, she needed the warmth that she felt when it burned its way through her veins.

As she grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair, a wave of coldness hit her, and she shivered. She threw it on and made her way to the door, not expecting anyone to still be in the building. She came face-to-face with Leon Vance as she hit the last steps leading to the squad room and he narrowed his eyes at her.

"Working late, Director Shepard?"

"So it would seem."

"It won't work, you know."

She frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"You're still trying to prove yourself to everyone. You're never going to get their respect that way. You're trying too hard. All they see is a pair of legs and breasts in a skirt."

She was too shocked to speak, and he continued.

"Stop overcompensating. Let the results of your work speak for themselves. Have a good night, ma'am."

He left her standing there still trying to wrap her tired mind around what had just happened. Shaking her head slowly, she made her way out of the building and as soon as her car door shut behind her, she laid her head on the steering wheel and sobbed.

* * *

The sound of the rain on her windows was oddly comforting to her and she sipped her wine thoughtfully. The steady stream of rain whispered to her, offering her a sense of tranquility that she hadn't felt in quite a long time and it seemed to her that she was in a world of her own, completely cut off from everyone else. As the lightning flashed, she emptied her glass and made her way into the kitchen to refill it. Her foot slipped on the freshly mopped floor and the empty glass fell from her hand, shattering on impact.

She cursed softly and knelt down to begin picking up the pieces. Lighting caught the fragment of glass in her hand and it glittered in the darkness. An overwhelming desire to slice into her skin caused her hand to shake and she sat there, debating. The jagged piece of crystal was calling her name and she dropped it before she could make a rash decision. It was the only sharp object left in her house, and she ran into the living room, trying to ignore the voice telling her to pick it back up.

_It would make you feel better. It probably wouldn't even hurt much._

Jenny shut her eyes tightly, as though that would block the screaming in her head.

_Just this once. You need the release._

She whimpered and sat down on the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees.

_Jenny, you know it would help. _

"Shut up!"

Her voice was loud in the silence, and she realised how insane she would look to anyone who saw her. She searched frantically for her phone on the coffee table and when her shaking fingers closed around it, she nearly cried in relief. She quickly dialed, hoping that she hadn't messed up the number and waited, barely holding in her tears.

"Gibbs."

The sound of his voice made her heart race and she closed her eyes.

"Jethro...are you busy?"

"Working on the boat. Nothing unusual. Why?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Sure. Fire away."

She wasn't sure where to start and she was silent for a long moment. On the other end of the line, Gibbs was growing impatient and sighed.

"Jen, you said you wanted to talk. So talk."

A sob escaped her and she covered her mouth with her hand.

"I—I don't know if I can do it. I've done everything I can, and it's still not enough."

"What are you talking about?"

She furiously wiped away her tears and took a shaky breath.

"I keep hearing this voice in my head. Telling me that I'm not good enough. That I should just give up."

"Jen, that's crazy. You're doing a great job. Any idiot could see that."

She laughed, but the tears in her voice made it sound hysterical even to her own ears. Gibbs frowned and wished he could see her. What was she doing? What was she thinking?

"Jen?"

"Yeah?"

'Are you drunk?"

"No," she answered sadly.

He sighed. At least there was something good here.

"Jethro? You know I love you, right?"

"Well, yeah. Sure. Why?"

She ran her still shaking hand through her hair and she didn't even notice the tears had started falling from her eyes again.

"I just wanted you to know."

She hung up before he could respond, and laid her head on her knees, finally allowing herself to cry freely.

_You're weak, Jenny. Are you too scared to feel a little pain?_

She stood shakily and staggered into the kitchen. Her fingers found the glass and held it up, catching sight of her reflection.

"You look like shit, Jennifer," she whispered to herself.

She held the glass over her arm, not really seeing it, and hesitated.

_You're pathetic. _

Angry now, she pressed the glass into her skin. Over and over, she furiously dragged the crystal over the skin until she was finally satisfied with the blood flowing from it. She dropped the glass onto the floor and sank back against the door frame. She closed her eyes, a twisted smile forming on her lips.

"Who's pathetic now?" she whispered.

There was no answer. The voice in her head had finally gotten what it wanted. The silence that washed over her was only interrupted by the soft rain hitting the windows outside.

* * *

Gibbs stared at his phone in confusion after Jenny had hung up, still trying to make sense of the bizarre conversation. He tried calling her back to no avail, and as her voicemail picked up, he sighed.

_You've reached Jennifer Shepard. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can._

"Jen, answer the phone. I'm worried about you. Call me. Love you."

He hung up and picked up his keys, taking his basement steps two at a time. It occurred to him that he didn't even know if she was at her house or not, but he thought that would be the best place to start.

* * *

The pounding on her door was masked at first by the thunder and when it finally registered, Jenny pulled herself up slowly and felt her way to the entrance. Her vision was blurred and it took everything she had to remain upright. When she opened the door, revealing a very wet Gibbs, she blinked and tried to focus.

"Jethro? What...what are you doing here?"

"Can I come in? Kind of wet out here."

She stepped back and let him in, not even caring about the water on her floor. She shut the door behind him and locked it, refusing to look at him. Gibbs watched her, taking in every detail of her, noticing how she was unsteady on her feet, and how her skin was so pale it was nearly translucent. Jenny gestured for him to sit and he caught sight of the blood on her hand in the flash of lightning.

"Jen, what happened?"

She sat on the couch next to him, but she refused to look in his direction.

"Jenny?

He took her hand and at the contact, she raised her eyes to his. There was something in her gaze that he couldn't identify and it made him uneasy. There was a distance and hollowness in her eyes that made him feel suddenly very afraid for the woman in front of him.

"I didn't want to," she whispered.

He nodded, not releasing his hold on her hand.

"I know."

"I couldn't make the voice in my head stop. I tried not to. I really did, Jethro. I didn't-"

"Jen. Stop. I'm not mad. I know you tried. I'm just glad you're okay. Will you let me look at it?"

She didn't answer and he looked at her seriously.

"Hey," he said softly, brushing his thumb over the back of her hand, "Can you hear me, Jen?"

She nodded finally and he pulled her to her feet. She swayed as she took a step and he caught her before she hit the ground. He could feel her blood soaking into his shirt and he half-carried, half-walked her into the kitchen where he could better examine her.

When he turned on her overhead light, she blinked in the sudden brightness, burying her face in his chest to shield her eyes. He lifted her up and placed her on the kitchen table, standing in front of her. Even at a glance, he could see how deep the wound was, and he knew that he needed an expert. Jenny frowned when she saw him pull out his phone and when she asked about it, he held up a finger to silence her.

"Ducky, I need a favour. I need you to bring medical supplies to Jenny's house. I need sedatives, bandages, you know the drill. Yeah, she's fine, but make it quick."

She glared at him and he grabbed a towel to press over her arm, hoping to stop the bleeding. For nearly fifteen minutes, they sat in silence, until Jenny couldn't stand it any longer.

"Jethro?"

"Hm?"

"I'm sorry. I should have been stronger."

Jethro sighed and kissed her.

"No, Jen. You did your best and I don't hold that against you. Don't ever think you're weak. You're the strongest woman I know."

"You don't mean that," she said sadly.

"Of course I do, I-"

The knock at the door cut him off and he left to answer it, leaving Jenny alone with her thoughts. When he returned with Ducky in tow, Jenny offered him a weak smile.

"Good evening, Jennifer. I do wish it was under more pleasant circumstances. May I take a look?"

Silently, she extended her arm, and the doctor looked up at her sadly. The pain in his eyes was almost palpable and he kissed her hand gently. He wiped away the dried blood and looked at her seriously.

"I have to ask before I give you any kind of sedative. Have you had any alcohol tonight, my dear?"

Jenny glanced at them both and nodded.

"A bit. I had a bit of bourbon earlier and a glass of wine about thirty minutes ago."

"Bourbon?" Gibbs asked, "When?"

"It was in my coffee cup," Jenny murmured.

Gibbs ran a hand through his hair and sighed. He knew he hadn't imagined the tremor that shook her body when she'd been in her office earlier. Ducky nodded and pulled out a small syringe, examining it carefully. Jenny eyed it with trepidation and Gibbs reached for her hand. She'd always hated needles, and when her fingers closed around his, they were ice cold.

"Are you ready?" Ducky asked.

She took a deep breath and nodded, closing her eyes. She turned her head away, burying it in Jethro's chest and when she whimpered softly, he kissed her hair.

"I got you," he whispered, "Shh."

What seemed like hours later, but was in reality only a few seconds, Ducky pulled the needle from her skin. He watched her carefully, checking for any kind of adverse reactions and gave her a reassuring smile.

"Not to worry, my dear. In a few minutes, I'll get this stitched up and you'll be just fine."

She nodded, but she was finding it difficult to focus. Her eyelids were becoming unbearably heavy and her head was cloudy. Gibbs could feel her body going limp and he swept her into his arms and carried her into the living room to give Ducky a better space to work. With deft fingers, he threaded the needle and he smiled as he watched Jenny reach weakly for Jethro's hand.

As soon as she was asleep, he began stitching, completely focused on the task at hand. It took little more than a few minutes, just as promised, and when he had finished, the doctor turned his sad gaze on the other agent.

"What happened?"

"I don't know all the details. She called me and she wasn't making any sense. It rubbed me the wrong way, so I came to see what was wrong. Found her like this."

"Hm..." Ducky paused, "Bourbon in her coffee cup?"

Gibbs frowned, looking at the sleeping redhead.

"I didn't know about that, either. What's going on with her, Duck?"

Ducky glanced up at him before taking Jenny's other wrist in his hand, checking her pulse.

"I would imagine that being the director of a federal agency is quite stressful. And I'm sure we don't make things any easier on her."

"You mean me," Gibbs asked, only half-joking.

The doctor shrugged, offering him a wry smile.

"She's going to need someone to watch over her until the sedative wears off. Just in case there are any complications."

Jethro nodded.

"I'll be here. Thanks again, Duck."

"Anytime."

Ducky checked her pulse one last time and he kissed Jenny lightly on the forehead before he made his way to the door. As the headlights faded into the distance, Jethro sighed and watched his lover/boss sleep as he listened to the rain pounding outside.

* * *

When Jenny opened her eyes, the first thing she was aware of was the throbbing pain in her left arm. She shifted slightly and when she was finally able to see in the darkness, she could just make out Jethro's form next to her. She raised her hand and brushed it along his thigh and he jumped.

"You're awake."

"Have you been here all night in that chair?"

He didn't answer, but she already knew.

"Jethro, there's a perfectly good bed upstairs."

"I had to keep an eye on you. Doctor's orders."

He nodded to her arm.

"Does it hurt?"

She shrugged, glancing down at it.

"Only a little."

A long silence stretched out over them and she closed her eyes. When he spoke, her eyes flew open and she nearly jumped.

"You scared the hell out of me, Jen."

"I didn't mean to."

He looked at her, and she couldn't meet his eyes. There were too many intense emotions in those blue irises for her to handle. He took her hand and kissed it.

"Jen? Can I ask you something?"

"I'm not stopping you."

"How long have you been putting whiskey in your coffee cup?"

She frowned.

"A few weeks."

He still hadn't released his hold on her hand, and he absentmindedly rubbed his thumb back and forth over her skin. Her hand was still as cold as ice, and he tried desperately to warm it.

"Do I need to stop letting you have coffee?"

"I'd like to see you try it."

He smiled and she laughed quietly.

"Jethro?"

"Yeah?"

She paused, and he caught her eyes with his own. He nodded, waiting for her to speak and she sighed.

"You don't...you don't think I'm crazy, do you?"

"No. I think you're in a lot of pain, and under an immense amount of pressure. But I'm always here to listen whenever you need to talk. I don't want to lose you again, and especially not that way."

He leaned down and kissed her, making sure to take extra precautions around her stitched arm. She wrapped her free arm around his neck and when he picked her up, she couldn't stop the laugh that fell from her lips.

"What are you doing, Jethro?"

"Taking you to bed. I don't intend to spend all night in this chair and you need to rest in a more comfortable place than your couch. This way, I can keep watch and still be comfortable."

She frowned.

"You don't have to _keep watch_ over me, Gibbs. I'm not a child."

As he carefully carried her up the stairs, he frowned down at her.

"No, you're not, but if you have some kind of reaction from the sedative that Ducky gave you, I need to know. I'm not taking any chances."

He placed her in the bed and he could tell she was fighting her exhaustion with everything she had. He cupped her cheek gently and smiled.

"Sleep, Jen. I'll be right here."

The last thing she remembered was the feeling of his lips pressed against her forehead as she slept.

* * *

Jethro was woken hours later by Jenny's tossing and turning in the bed. Her soft moan alerted him that something might have been wrong and he rose up on his arm to watch her. She appeared to be dreaming and he reached out to touch her shoulder lightly.

"Jen?"

She pulled away from him and he tried again to wake her. When she opened her eyes, she bolted upright, her breath coming in short gasps, and she looked around wildly.

"Jen. Jenny, it's okay. It's okay. Breathe. Look at me, okay?"

Her eyes found his in the darkness and he saw the recognition flicker.

"Jethro?"

"Right here."

He pulled her into his arms as she collapsed against him, her breath ragged and he felt her tears soaking his shirt as she cried. She gripped his shirt like a vice and he kissed her hair.

"It's okay, Jen. You're okay. Nothing's going to hurt you. I've got you. I promise."

His voice was low, barely above a whisper, and she tried in vain to stop shaking. She wanted to tell him, but she couldn't find her voice.

"J-Jethro..."

"Shh...breathe. I've got you. You're safe. Just breathe."

He pulled back to look at her and lifted her chin so that she was looking up at him.

"Hey. Look at me."

She did as he asked and he kissed her cheek.

"Calm down. It's okay. It was just a dream. Breathe, Jen."

She nodded, still trying to stop shaking and he pulled her into his chest again, kissing her hair over and over. Finally, she stopped trembling and as she laid in his arms, he felt a tear drop onto his arm.

"Better?"

He felt her move as she nodded and he ran his hand through her hair.

"I love you," he murmured into her hair.

"I love you, too. I didn't mean to wake you."

He waved her words away and smiled down at her.

"I don't mind. Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head and nestled further into his arms. He shifted and raised her out of his embrace and she frowned.

"I need to check your arm," he explained.

She held it out, deliberately not looking at it.

"Ducky did a good job. There won't be much of a scar. Jen, what did you use?"

"Broken glass."

He held her arm gently and she closed her eyes tightly. She didn't want to see the damage she'd done. She settled down in his safe embrace and willed herself to go to sleep. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Jenny watched as Gibbs slept, noticing how peaceful he looked when he was dreaming. He looked younger then, how she imagined he would have looked before he lost his wife and daughter. She'd been awake for hours now, and she was trying desperately to ignore the screaming voice in her head that sounded strangely like her own.

_You couldn't even manage it, could you? You didn't cut deep enough, Jenny. You're too weak to do anything that matters._

Jenny buried her head in her pillow and cried in frustration.

_Jethro would have been better off if he hadn't come by. Then he wouldn't have to deal with your messes. _

She reached out and shook Jethro's shoulder gently.

"Jethro, wake up."

"Hm? What's wrong?"

His voice was thick with sleep and the confusion was evident.

"Wake up. Please."

He must have heard the desperation in her voice, and he sat up, looking at her worriedly.

"Are you okay?"

Even in the dark, he could see that she was crying, and he reached out to brush away the tears.

"Jethro, please. Help me make it stop."

"Make what stop?"

She took a shaky breath and looked at him with such pain that he knew he would never forget it.

"I keep hearing this voice in my head telling me that I'm not good enough. That I messed up because I..."

Jenny stopped, unsure if she wanted to tell him, but she knew he would ask regardless.

"Jen? Because you what?"

"I didn't cut deep enough."

He held her gaze and she didn't even try to stop the tears now. There was no point. He knew everything, so what did she have to hide? She could still hear the horrible words spinning around in her head and she put her head in her hands, pulling her hair. She'd hoped the pain would distract her, and Jethro's hands on her own startled her. Surprisingly gentle, he took her hands in his own and then pulled her into his arms, cradling her as gently as he would a child.

"I just want it all to stop," she sobbed.

"I know, Jen. It'll be okay. I'm going to help you. Shh...don't cry anymore."

She cried for nearly fifteen minutes, and when he finally noticed that her body had stopped shaking, he glanced down. She was asleep now, the ghost of her tears staining her cheek, and he kissed her sadly.

"Oh, Jen...I wish I knew how to make it stop."

He watched her sleep for a little while longer and then he soon found himself dosing off as well. Neither of them woke again that night, and while they weren't sure what the next day would bring, at least they wouldn't be facing it alone.

* * *

The ringing of Jethro's phone woke him early the next morning, but since it was his day off, he didn't really mind. When he answered it, he was surprised to hear Ducky's voice on the other end of the line.

"Good morning, Jethro. How are you?"

"Be doing better if I was still asleep, Duck," he replied dryly.

"My apologies. I just wanted to call and check on Jennifer. No troubles last night, I trust?"

"Nope. Had a pretty bad nightmare, but nothing that required medical attention."

He could almost see the wheels turning in the doctor's head.

"She's not sleeping well, either? No wonder the poor woman is exhausted."

Jethro glanced down at Jenny's sleeping form, safely wrapped in his free arm. She looked so beautiful when she slept, and he smiled.

"She's sleeping now. The stitching looks really good."

"Yes, I tried to keep it as small and neat as I could. I didn't think she would want a nasty scar."

He laughed quietly.

"I'm sure she appreciates that, Ducky."

"Let me know if anything about her condition changes."

Gibbs looked down at her again and kissed her hair.

"I will. Thanks."

He hung up and settled back as much as he could without waking her. He closed his eyes and tried to figure out just how they had gotten to this point, but nothing he came up with made any kind of sense.

"What did Ducky want?"

He started at the sound of her voice. Quiet though it was, he hadn't known that she was awake. He glanced down at her, amused.

"Wanted to know how you were doing," he answered, "How long have you been up?"

"Long enough. I didn't wake you any more last night, did I?"

He shook his head.

"Nope. Did you have another nightmare?"

"A few," she said quietly, "Nothing unusual, though."

He frowned and wrapped his arms around her tighter. She breathed in the comforting smell of sawdust, a scent that she now associated with safety and smiled. He smelled like _home_ to her. She'd never felt any sense of security or belonging with any other man she'd been with, but he always made her feel safe and loved. Even when they were arguing and ready to kill each other, she couldn't deny how much she loved him.

"Jen?"

"Hmm?"

"How did we get here?"

"Well..." she paused, a light smirk on her lips, "I'm pretty sure you carried me."

"Cute," he said dryly.

She kissed his arm and frowned, thinking.

"I was joking, but in a way, it's kind of true," she answered softly, "You _did _carry me. Maybe not always literally, but you were there when no one else was. You found me even in the dark. You didn't just leave me there."

"I couldn't leave you. I tried to move on after Paris, but...even then, I thought about you nearly every day. When you came back into my life, no matter how trapped in the dark, I couldn't leave you."

"You're the only one who never left me."

He kissed her cheek and rested his chin on the top of her head.

"Never will."

* * *

Not for the first time, Jenny was immensely glad that her work clothes mainly consisted of long sleeves. She really didn't feel like dodging glances and whispers all day, and as she made her way up the stairs, Gibbs stopped her with a hand on her arm.

"What's in the cup?"

She frowned.

"Really?"

"Yes."

She handed it to him, and he sniffed it. Without asking, he took a drink of it and handed it back to her with a smirk.

"Had to be sure."

She was horrified to feel the stares of his team and when she finally snapped out of her shock, she tossed the cup into the bin.

"That was a waste," Gibbs remarked.

"You drink it, then," she snapped.

She turned on her heel and made her way to the nearest coffee pot to pour another drink. She didn't give him a chance to stop her this time, and as she walked up the stairs, she could hear the laughter in Tony's voice.

"Starting the day off safe, boss?"

A resounding slap was the last thing she heard as she closed her office door. She laughed as she turned on her computer and when Jethro's name popped up in her inbox, she frowned. He rarely emailed her, as he hated most modern technology, and she wondered what on earth he wanted.

_Jen,_

_ Sorry about your coffee. Promise I'll make it up to you._

_ Gibbs_

She smiled and raised her cup to her lips, wondering what he had planned. Something told her that she would love it.

* * *

The quiet knock at her door caused her to look up and when she saw who had entered, she frowned.

"Agent DiNozzo. What can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to make sure that my request for vacation had been filed."

She smiled, nodding.

"Absolutely. Planning a trip?"

"No, ma'am. Just need a few days to get some sleep. My neighbours are kind of obnoxious, and I might have a date."

She nodded understandingly, standing up to offer him a drink. He waved away her offer and she smiled.

"Something else, Tony?"

"No. Just wanted to say, I know being in your position can't be easy. If I've ever made it more difficult, I do apologise."

She frowned.

"Did Gibbs tell you to do that?"

He shook his head.

"No. You've just seemed tired lately."

Jenny made to walk him to the door and the heel of her shoe caught in the carpet, pitching her forward. Tony caught her by the arm and when she noticeably winced, he frowned.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, but when she followed his gaze to her arm, she knew it was too late. He released her and looked at her with a seriousness that she hadn't known he possessed.

"What happened to your arm, Director?"

"It's nothing. I'm fine."

"Looks pretty bad, ma'am."

"Jenny," she corrected softly.

"What?"

"If we're going to have this conversation, call me Jenny."

He nodded and she straightened her jacket sleeve.

"Okay. What happened to your arm, Jenny?"

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

"I was having a rough time, and I...did something I'm not proud of."

He frowned, and she had to look away from his intense eyes.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

She shook her head.

"No. This is something I need to work out on my own."

"Does Gibbs know?"

She didn't answer, but her silence told him everything that he needed to know. He'd been suspicious of their relationship from the very beginning, but this was all the confirmation that was necessary.

"Please, Tony. Let's just keep this between us. No one else needs to know."

"Of course. Listen, if you need anything...don't hesitate."

He quietly shut the door, leaving her wondering how in the world her life had gotten so screwed up.

* * *

Jenny tossed back her drink with a flourish and shuddered. She hadn't seen Jethro all night and as much as she didn't want to admit it, she needed him. Her hands shook as she poured another drink and when she finished it, she caught sight of her reflection in the glass. Laughing at how insane she must look, she reached for her phone. Talking with Tony had really shaken her up. She'd thought that she was keeping her feelings hidden at work, but if he had noticed, how many others had?

The ringing in her ear finally gave way to Jethro's voicemail, she sighed. Why was it that when she needed him, he was busy?

"Jethro...call me. Please. I need you."

She hung up and took another drink, letting the liquid burn a path down her throat. She knew that cutting was out of the question, but her fingers longed for a knife, a razor, anything sharp. The glass in her hand was possible, but she knew that Gibbs would never forgive her. The voice in her head had returned with a vengeance and she put her head in her hands.

_What's the point, Jenny?_

_ "_Shut up," she said quietly.

_You should have cut deeper. Then no one else would have to deal with you and your incompetence._

"You're wrong."

_Am I? Jethro didn't answer the phone. Face it, Jennifer. He's through with you. _

She took another drink and tried to block out the screaming. Still, it persisted and she screamed in the silence.

"_Shut up!_"

Her phone rang and she jumped, swearing loudly. She searched for her phone in the darkness and her fingers brushed it just as she was about to give up. Her voice refused to work as she pressed the answer button and she held it silently to her ear.

"Jen? Jen, can you hear me? Say something."

"G-Gibbs?" she whispered breathlessly.

He breathed a sigh of relief and she wrapped her arms around her knees, biting her lip to keep from screaming.

"Jen, what's wrong?"

"I can't.." her voice broke and she tried to catch her breath, "I need it to stop. It's so loud."

"What's so loud? Talk to me."

"My head. It's so loud in my head. I can't stand it. Make it stop. Please."

He knew she was drunk, but he wasn't sure how far she would go. One thing was certain, and that was that he had to stop her before she did something dangerous.

"Where are you? Are you at home?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"I'm on my way, Jen. Stay where you are and I'll be there soon. Love you."

He hung up and she cradled the phone to her chest.

"I love you," she whispered to the empty room.

* * *

When Jethro knocked on Jenny's door twenty minutes later, he wasn't sure what he would find. The door opened and his view was obstructed by red hair as she threw herself into his arms. He wrapped his arms around her and looked at her seriously, checking for any damage.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, but he could feel the dampness of his shirt from her tears. He led her inside and sat her down on the couch, taking her hands in his own.

"I didn't do anything, Jethro."

She was telling the truth, and he smiled at her honesty.

"I know. I'm proud of you. You wanted to and you didn't. You're so strong."

"How do I make it stop? How do I change the thoughts in my head? What am I supposed to do?"

He shook his head and kissed her lightly.

"It's a process. It doesn't happen overnight. I'll help you any way I can. But it has to start with you."

She rested her head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her. She smiled as she felt his lips touch her hair and he brushed his lips against her ear.

"I love you."

She turned to look in his eyes, and he was nearly left breathless at the sadness he saw reflected there.

"Jethro?"

"Hm?"

She hesitated and he touched her skin lightly.

"Would you...would you just hold me?"

He took her hand, leading her to the stairs. She frowned as he swept her into his arms and carried her into the bedroom, placing her on the bed. He grabbed a blanket from her floor and covered her shivering form. He pulled her into his arms and kissed the top of her head gently, whispering into her hair.

"For the record, I think you're wrong. You're not worthless. You're strong, beautiful, and so amazing. I would be devastated if I lost you."

"Don't leave me," she whispered against his chest.

He raised her chin so that she was looking at him. Her brilliant green eyes were filled with tears and he kissed her.

"I couldn't leave you even if I tried, Jen."

She kissed him desperately, and he pulled away after a moment, looking at her seriously. He shook his head and she tried to pull him down to her.

"Jen, I can't. Not like this. I'm not going to take advantage of you. I care about you too much for that."

Jenny touched his his chest and reached up to run her fingers through his hair.

"I'm not asking for that," she said, "Just kiss me. Please."

He brought his lips to hers and his hand slid into her hair. She gasped as his tongue found hers and she couldn't stop the moan that fell from her.

"God, Jethro..."

Her lips found his throat and he couldn't keep his hips from jerking against hers. She wanted nothing more than to feel his hands on her, but she knew he would keep his word. Jenny grazed his bottom lip with her teeth and he growled. The sound only fueled her desire and she reached between them to touch him. His hips jerked and she smirked.

"Christ, Jen. We have to stop."

"No, we don't," she murmured against his lips.

She bit down on his pulse point and he moved his own lips to her throat. She tried to touch him again, but he caught her wrist with his hand.

"Jen..." he warned.

She pulled away and flashed him a wicked smile. Her head was spinning from the whiskey she had consumed, but she would never tell him that. He was watching her carefully, wondering if she was going to make another move and when she brushed her fingertips lightly over his face, he smiled. Wrapped in his arms again, she closed her eyes and focused on the steady sound of his heartbeat. It was comforting to her, and she sighed in relief.

"Tony knows," she said suddenly.

He frowned and looked at her.

"How?"

"He came up to check his vacation paperwork and I tripped. He caught my arm and he saw the stitches. I asked him not to say anything."

Gibbs nodded and he ran his fingers through her hair. She smiled at the contact and reached for his free hand.

"I don't know how to change the way I think. How do you do it?"

"Counteract each bad thought with a good one. Give me an example."

She paused, unsure of how much to tell him.

"I should have cut deeper. If I had, you wouldn't have to deal with me."

"If you had, you would have died."

"Exactly."

The full implication of her words hit him and he looked down at her seriously.

"Jen...you don't mean that. Do you?"

"Sometimes," she whispered.

Jenny wouldn't look at him and it was killing him. Her eyes told him so much more than her words ever had, and she was deliberately shielding them.

"Jen...there's always hope. I know it might not seem like it, but please don't give up."

She laughed bitterly and glanced at him briefly

"Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have."

He forced her to look at him fully, and he smiled sadly.

"Did you ever give up hope with me?"

She raised up on her good arm and kissed him softly. He could see the shine in her eyes, but he wasn't sure if it was caused by the whiskey or tears.

"No," she answered.

She paused and her next words surprised him.

"You've always given me hope. Fuck it, I love you."

She kissed him hard and pushed him back just enough that she was straddling his hips. Her hands slid under his shirt and lightly trailed her nails down his chest. He was just about to flip them so that she was underneath him when his phone rang. He broke the kiss and answered the phone, doing his best to regulate his breathing.

"Gibbs."

"Jethro, how are you?"

"I'm fine, Ducky. What's up?"

"I was wondering how our lovely Director was faring. Have you seen her recently?"

He laughed lightly and gently rolled Jenny to the bed, giving her a wink.

"Yeah, she's right here. Want to talk to her?"

He handed Jenny the phone and she smiled.

"Hi, Ducky."

"Jennifer! How are you? Are the stitches holding up?"

She nestled into Jethro's chest and fought the urge to laugh.

"Yes. Very well, actually. I can't thank you enough, Ducky."

"You're most welcome, my dear. Make sure you take care not to tear any of those."

"I will. Thanks, Ducky."

She handed the phone back and listened as Jethro continued his conversation for a few minutes. Her eyes slipped closed and she smiled as she felt his chest rise and fall with each breath he took. She didn't even realise that she had fallen asleep until he gently shook her awake moments later.

"Jen. Are you okay now?"

She nodded and he glanced down at her.

"Look at me."

Forest green eyes met steel blue and he asked her again.

"I'm fine, Jethro," she insisted.

He frowned.

"You're lying."

Her eyes widened and she raised up to glare at him.

"When you lie, your right eye twitches," he explained, "It always has."

She frowned.

"Anything else I need to know?"

He smiled and kissed her.

"Yeah. I love you."

* * *

"Yeah. Gibbs."

"Agent Gibbs, I think you should come up to the Director's office."

He frowned. There was something off about Cynthia's voice. Something was wrong.

"What is it?"

"Just...you might want to hurry."

He hung up and ignored the looks of his team as he took the stairs two at a time. He stopped at Cynthia's desk, looking at her seriously.

"How bad is she?"

"Bad enough," she answered sadly.

He opened the door and when he saw Jenny behind the desk, draining a bottle of bourbon, he frowned. It wasn't like her to drink this heavily on the job, and he couldn't have been more confused. He closed the door and when she heard it shut, her lips turned downward.

"Gibbs?"

"Jen," he replied carefully, "what's wrong?"

"They cut our budget in half."

"Half?!"

She nodded sadly and placed her head in her hand. He studied her closely, and something about her answer seemed off. That couldn't be the only thing.

"What else, Jen?"

"I'm just so sick of their attitude towards me. They just see me as something to look at, someone to blame when shit hits the fan. I can't get any of them to listen or take me seriously."

Though he didn't doubt that what she was saying was true, he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something that she wasn't telling him. He stepped closer and he saw the tears glistening in her eyes.

"I don't buy it. What's the real reason?"

She looked away and her answer was so soft that he didn't hear it. He leaned over on her desk and repeated his question.

"You," she whispered, too exhausted and drunk to lie.

"Me? What did I do? Why are you drinking yourself into oblivion because of me?"

She shook her head and a few tears fell from her eyes.

"Jen, please. Tell me what I did."

"It's not that. It's...what I've done _to _you. I've put you through so much these past few months, and I can't change it. I can't take it back. You deserve so much better than that, and I'm so sorry."

Her voice broke and she put her hand over her mouth to contain her sob. He walked around her desk and wrapped her in his arms, not even caring if someone should see. She sobbed into his chest and he kissed the top of her head gently.

"Jen," he murmured softly, "you don't have anything to apologise for. I love you, and I want to help you. I'm not angry about it. I just want to see you safe and happy."

She sniffed and pulled back to look up at him.

"But I-"

"No, Jen. I don't want you to apologise or beat yourself up for this. I offered to help you, remember? I don't want to lose you."

He kissed her cheek and brushed away the tears that fell each time she blinked.

"Come on. I'm taking you home."

"Jethro, it's only-"

"I know what time it is," he interrupted, "I don't care. You're going home. You need time away from here."

He picked up the phone on Jenny's desk, dialing quickly.

"DiNozzo, come up to the Director's office. Now."

"On my way, boss."

Jethro kissed her fully as soon as he hung up the phone and smiled at her questioning look.

"Wanted to get that out of the way before DiNozzo got here."

She furiously wiped her eyes and ran a hand through her hair.

"How bad do I look?"

He smiled.

"You'll do."

Tony opened the door seconds later and frowned when he saw Jenny's red eyes and shaking hands.

"Everything okay, boss? Director?"

Gibbs nodded.

"Everything's fine. I'm taking the Director home, so I'm leaving you in charge for the rest of the day."

"Understood," he turned to Jenny, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Jenny stood and offered him a weak smile, though it didn't reach her eyes.

"I'll be okay, Tony. Thank you."

Jethro's hand at the small of her back led her to the door. When they passed Tony, he lightly placed a hand on her shoulder and she nodded in understanding. Jenny was touched by his concern, and as she glanced over her shoulder, she mouthed the words "thank you" to the younger agent. He raised his hand in response and smiled. They passed Cynthia's desk and Jethro stopped.

"Cynthia, I'm taking the Director home. Postpone any appointments and meetings until further notice."

She nodded.

"Yes, sir."

He grabbed a notepad from the desk, writing swiftly and handing it back before Jenny could see what he had written.

"If anything comes up, leave a message at that number."

She nodded again and he led Jenny to the elevator at the end of the catwalk. Cynthia frowned for a moment, thinking. All of Jethro's personal information was on file, so why had he needed to write his number down? When she glanced at the paper, however, she smiled at what was written there.

_ Thank you._

* * *

Jenny closed her eyes as soon as she clicked her seat belt into position and rested her head against the window. Every so often, Gibbs glanced in her direction, but she never once opened her eyes again. He debated for a moment on whether to take her to his house or hers, but ultimately decided on the safer option. He knew that she would never touch any of his tools, so there was little chance that she would make any kind of rash decisions.

He pulled into the driveway and when he opened the passenger door, he noticed that she had fallen asleep. Whether she had given in to the exhaustion or simply passed out from the liquor, he couldn't be sure. He lifted her into his arms and kicked the door shut with his foot. She opened her eyes at the sound and looked up at him tiredly.

"Where are we?"

"Home," he answered simply.

She closed her eyes again and he opened the door. Carrying her up the stairs, he smiled at how peaceful she looked. He kissed her forehead as he laid her down on the bed and smiled as she said his name.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

He kissed her again.

"I love you, too. Get some sleep, Jen."

She turned over on her side and smiled.

"Only if you stay."

He climbed into the bed next to her and wrapped her in his arms.

"Easiest decision I've ever made."

He was surprised that she hadn't commented on being in his bed, but he wasn't quite sure she was even aware of where they were. That, he supposed, was a conversation better had in the morning.

* * *

**A/N: Reviews are love. **


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